DO NOT read this review if you haven’t seen Avengers: Infinity War. Goodbye! You don’t want to have this movie spoiled before you watch it yourself. Trust me.

Without further ado, I welcome all of the other readers who have seen the movie to this mess of tears, laughter, and shock that I really need to get out of my brain. I think that we can all agree that Avengers: Infinity War was one killer of a movie (apologies for my insensitive pun), but were any of us even prepared for it? I wasn’t.

Let’s look at the beginning: the opening scene that took place in Asgard. I mean, come on, Russo brothers, did you really have to make me cry within the first five minutes of the movie? Heimdall definitely didn’t deserve to die. Though he has been a minor character throughout the Thor movies, he has also been an audience favorite with his quiet strength and selflessness.

And then there’s Loki–oh, Loki, the god of fangirls everywhere–who was pretty much going to die at some point but still didn’t deserve it as early as he did. And, he had just started to become one of the good guys!! Poor Thor now has no one.

By now, you’re probably getting the idea that I don’t think anyone deserved to die–and you would be right about that. So I probably won’t mention it again; although, I’ll definitely be thinking about it. And you’re also probably getting the idea that this review is mostly just me mourning the losses experienced in this movie. You’d be right about that, too. But don’t worry, I also want to talk about the spectacular cinematography–I’ll just get to it later.

Next up on the kill list is Gamora. Now that hurt. Probably number two on my list of “Deaths that Hurt the Most.” There was so much emotion in that single scene, in both Thanos and Gamora, and then it’s all literally thrown to bits. Seeing the pain in her eyes and in Thanos’ eyes shows you that there really is some sort of connection between the two, no matter how sick and twisted it might seem. Good grief, what a roller coaster of a sequence.

And what about Red Skull oddly showing up as a sort of “guardian” of the Soul Stone? I suppose the explanation makes sense, but it was still kind of strange to see him after his demise in the first Captain America movie.

Of course, Gamora’s death leads up to my next point–my frustration with Mr. Chris-Pratt-Starlord-drama-queen. I mean, I know you’re even more upset than I am that Gamora is dead, but did you really have to provoke Thanos right when my son, Tom Holland (a.k.a. Peter Parker), is about to get the gauntlet off of his giant, purple, raisin hand? I guess it wouldn’t have made for a very good movie, though, if it had ended right there. But still!

And now, the biggest shocker of them all: the ending to this movie. Just…everything about it. Oh, great, I’m tearing up.

Why, why, why, did so many people have to die? I mean, it’s pretty much guaranteed that anyone who disintegrated thanks to Thanos’ search for balance in the universe will be back again, whether by the Time Stone or some other means, but it was still painful.

First, we have Vision. After the Wanda/Vision timeline that was never really shown, but we assume happened between Captain America: Civil War and Infinity War, it was so, so hard to watch Wanda be forced to pull the Mind Stone from his head and then destroy it, only for Thanos to just turn back time and brutally take the stone himself.

Wanda obviously didn’t mind death after what happened to Vision, but to watch her stand there alone and just fade away was heartbreaking. It all just happened so fast–one by one, our heroes fell: Bucky, Groot, T’Challa, Sam, Mantis, Drax, Starlord, Doctor Strange… and my beautiful, beautiful Peter Parker.

That was the death that hurt me the most. I feel physically sick every time I think about it, probably due to the fact that it just felt so real, so personal. To see the fear in his eyes as he clung to Tony was like being stabbed over and over again. And, of course, they had to draw that one out for dramatic effect. Great job, Russos! (I mean that both sincerely and sarcastically.)

Now, putting aside Death, let’s talk for a few moments about that end-of-credits scene. Sure, there’s the obvious oh no, Fury and Hill are dead, too!, but CAPTAIN MARVEL, AM I RIGHT? I am so ready for her to come and give Thanos what he deserves. And I’m ready for her solo movie before that, too! The first female-fronted Marvel movie is a pretty big step in the right direction, and, hopefully, it will be a good set up for future movies like Black Widow.

Overall, everyone who worked on this movie executed everything with absolute perfection. They took the risks that so many filmmakers are afraid to take. They pulled every last drop of emotion out of every scene and made sure the audience was invested in the plot. They used beautiful music and beautiful filming to create a world where we, as viewers, could see ourselves being in, and therefore could feel affected by. But I still can’t believe I have to wait until 2019 for closure. I can’t believe I had to watch what I did. I’m not done processing any of it.

Nevertheless, we’ll all have to process it if we want to be prepared for the next Avengers movie– lord only knows what the Russos will decide to do next.